Season's Change

Photo by Scott Demeranville

Tiny white hairs start to grow all over my body after a full season of intentional poisoning and fatigue left me alopecian in appearance. Now I begin the slow process of detoxifying my body while trying to build up my weakened immune system. I start to think about what I can accomplish in enhancing my health to defend against the incessant cancerous growth, to delay its inevitable return.

I daydream of how many things I can do before it comes back. How many places I can go, people I can see, experiences I can have before I have to sit back in those chairs with an IV pumping poison back into my veins. How long will my hair get this time? How many road trips will there be? Poems written? Songs sung? Memories made?

I try to keep at bay the worst thoughts. Will I ever again have a significant other? What will I leave my family other than a load for the thrift store and a funeral bill? How do you tell a friend goodbye, should that time ever come? I might joke about such things and treat them light. But that is just to show my true fear of giving these thoughts any bit of the weight that they deserve.

For now I try to find peace the simple things. Reading poetry by the fire while drinking tea. Having a long hot shower right before bed. Dreaming simple dreams of simple moments to be shared with my friends. Hopefully, this next season will last longer than the one before. We will see, and I will take it as it comes.